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“You expect me to just pay bills and die?”

What She Left Behind

What She Left Behind

Rollin down 20 man
With this jack in my cup
Feeling down on my luck
And I'm doing 120 man
Maybe I'm giving up
Baby I'm giving up
Baby what is happening?
Don't you believe in us?
Don't you believe in us?
She said I know you gave me everything
But love is not enough
Love is not enough
Love is not enough

~ Love is not enough, Yelawolf (2010)

 

Just like the sands in the hour-glass, so are the days of our lives. I never knew what that meant until this year.  The grains continue to sift through that small opening and with it goes another second, minute, hour, day until our expiration.

 

I look east and west, only to see my friends grow their families, find promising careers and potential spouses.  All the while I remain, me, growing in mentality, but the rest fails to keep pace.  Which brings me to what she left behind.

 

Every experience is an opportunity to progress.  My relationships with the few women I’ve chose to allow in my life are no exception. Each one teaching me something foreign, both positive and negative.

 

Ms. Mormon was simple in her approach, zest for life, appreciation of family and belief in something greater.  This was a union that happened ten years prior to when it should have.  Our experience was adult, we were not.  Some things can be perfect, but still not right.  No fault laid at anyone’s feet, just one of life’s paradoxes.

 

Ms. Insecure held my heart in the palm of her hand, preying on my affections like a Cougar toying with their meal.  There was a time I would have run into oncoming traffic to save her from herself.  She never took the time to evaluate her circumstance and change it.  A skill that comes with age and for a college student she lacked the aptitude.  I wasn’t much help striving to etch out my own beaten path.  Some people will leech on your good nature and take advantage.  The reason why good guys switch to the dark side.

 

The Cheerleader defies expectation.  I was a bench player on an entry level contract, at least that’s how I viewed myself in regards to women.  My friends were dating dimes while I garnered the attention from ladies three cents short.  She was a bona-fide bad bitch and I was intent on penetrating her force field.  Once inside I proved my lasting power and she fell in love with me.   Sadly, all good things do conclude and she happened to surpass me.  The trick is to grow together, constantly empowering and praising each other’s accomplishments, devoid of jealousy.

 

The food critic was interesting.  She screamed forbidden fruit.  I was not supposed to be attractive to her, but I was fortunate.  We hid our interactions for fear of persecution.  Once we were able to openly express our emotions, a glitch in the matrix changed my  opinion of us. I hurt her, a sad truth about relationships and I vowed to not be that person again.

 

Ms. Impossible would revel in her namesake, not truly knowing who or where she wanted to be. Her face changed on a dime like Quintesson, leaving me befuddled.  She would feign strength but her Cadbury core betrayed her and insecurity oozed out.  She accepted no ownership of her deficiencies and deflected upon me.  These traits may not have been her fault, after all, I chose to remain and solve this Rubik’s cube.   I’ll take that on the chin.  After numerous breakups, fights, infidelities, deceit and emotional battery I chose to skate.  In doing so it allowed me the  opportunity to view everything from afar. My realization was I can find what I want by eliminating shit I don’t like.

 

From each of these experiences I learned a great deal about myself. I loved completely, put myself out there and in turn, grew exponentially. Some of these women caused me financial ruin, grey hairs and complete estrangement from my buddies. With all that being said, I wouldn’t change one iota.  You learn in the mistakes, the successes are a mastery of the lessons.

 

Marque Cecil

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